You're fat

Checklist to funny moment

1. Office Christmas Party (at a newspaper). Check.
2. Me. Check.
3. Someone's 4-year-old with no filter between brain and mouth. Check

Outcome:
I walk into the party.
Four-year-old: "You're fat."
Me: "Wow. Thanks for the news flash kid. You should look into a career in journalism."
Four-year-old: "Huh?"
Me: "Maybe TV news for you."

Dating sites

You'd think dating websites would be havens for fat people. They aren't. Oh, don't get me wrong, the fat, ugly and generally unattractive flock to dating websites, they are to the unwanted and undateable what the lottery is to the poor and ignorant, a small glimmer of hope in an otherwise harsh reality. By haven I mean you'd think fat people could cruise websites without fear of persecution, but it just ain't so. There are those occasional attractive people who join dating websites looking for ... well I hesitate to call it love because you can tell they are too self-centered to care about anyone else or they probably wouldn't be single — they're attractive ... someone that meets their overly high, impossible to achieve standards. So what does a fat boy like me do on a dating website? Window shop.
I can only assume it is like walking Rodeo Drive in Hollywood, looking in the windows at all the designer things one can't afford, but wishes they could have, because said things would mean your life was in a better place and you believe having said things will make you happy.
That being said I've about given up on the whole dating scene and simply cruise the websites looking at photos of pretty girls, imagining they aren't as two-dimensional as they probably are in real life.
So what does this have to do with such sites not being a haven, well it gets dicey when you start looking at profiles of attractive people. Most sites will let said users see who has viewed them and when someone like me views the profile of an attractive person, they take it as an insult. I'm sure beautiful women are hounded almost every minute on such sites by less-than-desirable men with cheesy one-liners and the all-to-common; "Damn baby, ur hot!"
In that sense I can forgive them being upset that I'd dare to dream and look at their profile, but it gets interesting when they get so upset they take it upon themselves to send you a message calling you out on your faux pas. Case in point, I recently looked at the profile of a dainty little Texas beauty who the next day sent me the following: "You don't need a girlfriend, you need a treadmill."
Touche salesman. Touche. A guy can't even dream anymore without getting in trouble.
All I can figure is it must be more trouble than it is worth to be good-looking, and apparently it comes with a genetic defect ... The better looking you are, the less modesty you have. I'm all kinds of modest apparently.

Ha

So a fat guy walks into a gym. STOP LAUGHING!

From proposition to depression

Bear with me on this story, it takes a little telling. So, I used to work for a different employer in a different city and had this one co-worker, "We'll  call her Stoner Betty." Betty was not an example of a stellar employee and she had a drug problem, both legal and illegal. Her activities kept her in constant financial straits and she was always looking for ways to make money. Finally it must have gotten pretty bad because one day she approached me at work and said, "I'll have sex with you, let you do anything you want, for $250." Well Betty wasn't the kind of gal even a guy running in a 2-year dry spell would really consider, so I said, "I'll think about it." The more I did the more it seemed very inappropriate and bothered me, so the next day I went to my supervisor. Now to set this up, my boss made at least twice what I was making, he was tall, dark and, I'm no judge of men, but I'd say handsome, the kind of looks about 90 percent of women would like...heck maybe all women. So I went to him and explain what had happened, his response was;
"Really, you too?"
Me TOO!? What?!
"Yeah, she made me the same offer the other day for $50. Were you offended when she asked you?"
 No, but I am now!!!!

I went from being slightly disconcerted to completely disheartened. I'm glad we had to let her go.

A wee bit awkward

Talk about an embarrassing moment. As I'm sure I've said on here before, it's been 8 years since I "got any nookie." Today I was at the doctor's office for this pesky chest pain, which may or may not be heart attack related, and they decide to do a bunch of scans on me, including an electro-cardiogram of my legs to check for blood clots. Well part of the scan has the lady running that device up the inside of my legs to check my major arteries. Well it was a little difficult to keep my mind on baseball and my grandma and I suffered a kind of stiffening only men get ... so when the technician's arm bumped into said stiffness, there was an awkward moment there where we both tried to pretend it didn't happen, but it did ... and it's been so long I'm still not convinced I didn't just get laid.

Ugly baby

These days I'm fat and ugly, but I was pretty skinny when I was little. So all I had to contend with was being ugly. How ugly was I?

I was so ugly, every time I played in the sandbox, the cat tried to cover me up.

I was so ugly, my mom got morning sickness after I was born.

I was so ugly, the only time I was allowed to take my mask off was Halloween.

I was so ugly, my parents sent me to answer the door every time the Jehovah's witnesses showed up.

I was so ugly, the day I was born the doctors came out and told my father, "We're sorry. We tried everything we could think of, but he pulled through."

I was so ugly, I was born backwards and no one noticed.

I was so ugly, the only dog that didn't run off the day they brought me home was the old, blind dog.

I was mean too as a child.

How mean was I?

I was so mean, they kept me in a box and fed me with a slingshot.

Football

I really hated football in high school. I never wanted to play and now, 15 years later my shoulders still hurt me all the time (dislocated them both playing). It is BS the line they feed you about pain being temporary and glory forever. It is actually the other way around. What really sucked is the coaches were falling all over themselves to get me to play. One blackmailed me by giving me bad grades and told my parents my grades would likely improve if I "participated in some extra-curricular activities like football." So you'd think when I broke down and agreed to play they'd have gone all out for me. No. It was only after I refused to play in pads that were 4 sizes too small that they went and found a used set at a college campus and then my uniform was hand-made by my mom who took apart several pairs of football pants and sewed in extra strips to make a pair big enough for me. Same for the jersey. She hand-made my basketball jerseys from scratch. Of course they didn't want me playing basketball, because I wasn't any good so eventually I quit it.

Army recruiter

When I was in high school I was like a lot of other teens. I got a few calls from the Army recruiter at my parents' house. I guess he got my information from the school. About the second time he called I told him I wasn't interested (again) and that I couldn't even get in the Army because of my weight. He asked me how tall I was and how much I weighed. I told him - 6'4" and 350 pounds. His response: "Dear God. How do you even move?" That's when I hung up the phone and check "military service," off my bucket list.

Just didn't make me feel good.

My ex-wife was a tiny filipina girl from Australia. I went to visit there once and we went on a road trip with her parents in their van. They wanted me to ride in the back seat and sit in the very middle of the van. I later found out it was because they thought I would make the van drive crooked if I sat on one side or the other.

Who knew?

So apparently large, burly, gay men are called "Bears." Who knew? I didn't, not until I was working as a bouncer in a night club in Denver, where I apparently gave off the "gay" vibe because during my 10-month tenure there I was hit on my no less than three gay men and just one woman. My first experience being hit on by a gay man was startling to say the least. I'd never have suspected this 6-foot tall man in dirty blue jeans, heavy work boots, a dirty plaid shirt and a tobaggan with a tangle of dirty blond hair and beard (picture a lumberjack. That's just what he looked like), was gay until he winked at me. It only got weirder from there. Later he caught me walking past his  table, stood up and grabbed me by the shoulders and did the whole Jack Nicholson scene in Batman (you know the whole "You are my number one guy" scene). "You are one big, sexy, good-looking, bear of a man and I dig it," he said while rubbing my shoulders in the process. "Um, thanks," said I, before booking it to another part of the bar. Second gay man was CLEARLY gay and wanted me to dance with him on the dance floor and the third was no so clearly gay, but certainly made a show of it when he offered to tip me $20 to walk him to the restroom (he wasn't so drunk he couldn't make the 10-foot walk by himself). Apparently being outrageously oversized is a major turn off for most ladies, but for decent looking gay men (I'm no judge but they weren't ugly or overweight) I'm "doable." Who knew!?

Take that fit people

I was remembering today a time back in college when a couple of buddies and I were working out several times a week. We'd lift weights for an hour, jog and then play racketball or b-ball for an hour. I'd been doing a lot of sit-ups, which really helped my lower back (ruptured discs suck). One day I went into the weight room and when the sit-up bench came up I got over and set it at the steepest incline. I was about to lock my feet in when I saw several very fit girls and guys around me staring at me with looks of "Yeah right!" on their faces. I just smiled and locked my feet in. I did 10 sit-ups in quick succession, counted to 10 and did 10 more. I did this until I hit 50 and then unlocked my feet and stood up. Apparently those fit people hadn't gone back to working out. They were all standing there, mouths open, in the same position they'd been when I started. I just smiled at them and said, "Next." and went over and started curling the 50-pound dumbbells 5 reps of 10 each arm. I'm not sure anything ever felt better than the looks on those faces when I finished my sit-ups. Every time I think of it I picture that scene from "The New Guy;" "Who's the bitch, noowww?" LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9n3k5s79it4

Girls be hatin'

Ladies, don't hate me because you think you're too good for me. Hate me because you know I've got nicer boobs than you do.

Yogurt ain't got no milk

The other day I was heading into a frozen yogurt shop when this really rather attractive woman in her early 20s came walking out with a double scoop. I smiled in her direction and she gave me the whole "lip snarl, rolling eyes of disgust" look. I couldn't help it, I yelled, "Hey! I was smiling at the yogurt. But from the look of that training bra you've got on, the yogurt ain't the only thing that's lactose free around here."

Dream a little dream.

I dreamed about having sex for the second night in a row last night. Not surprising. I haven't had sex in 7 years and haven't had good sex in 8. It is not that I haven't had a few offers, but they've been from plus-sized women and the logistics of it just doesn't work. Some guys will say, "More cushion for the pushin'" but when you're already cushioned (ie outrageously oversized) sex with a big girl is like slamming two marshmallows together —it doesn't really accomplish much. If the damn doctors and insurance agencies would quit giving me the run around maybe I could get this surgery and get started losing weight. I've been able to cut the sodas out. Used to drink 1-3 a day, now I'm at 1-2 a week, sometimes none a week. But I'm a stress eater and man has life been stressful since taking this promotion. I've put on 35 pounds in the last year. Grrr.

Fall

I've never told anyone this, but just a few hours before that big earthquake hit Chile a few years ago, I fell down. I'm not sure they're related, but somehow I feel responsible.

Kids... sheesh

So I walk into an elementary school the other day to shoot some photos of the first day of the school year. Walk into a first grade classroom. This little boy is coloring right in front of me. He looks up, screams, falls out of his chair and stares at me in what I suspect was mock horror. Then he says, "Wow. You're huge." Thanks kid. I didn't know that. His teacher, first hearing his scream looks over in dismay and then after his cheeky comment gets a look of disapproval on her face, but says nothing. So I lean over and quietly say, "Do you want to be this big someday?" The kid shakes his head in the negative. "Well then, be sure and eat lots of crayons. I never ate any as a kid and this is what happened." He was half way through a 24-count Crayola box when I left.

Disclaimer: This story is mostly true. :)

The worst sound

The laughter after you sit down in a chair that breaks under your weight isn't the worst sound. The worst is hearing someone say, "Don't worry. It will hold you." about five seconds before you hit the ground.

Getting cold

People think that because you're fat you shouldn't get cold. "You have all that insulation," they'll say. Idiots. There's more of me to get cold!

Biography

Me: Someday, someone will write a book about my life.
My "friend:" Yeah, and they'll call it, "A Fridge Too Far."

Mysterious water

I've started trying to swim for exercise. It is low impact, which is great for outrageously oversized people, plus it is way more fun than running, walking or lifting heavy weights. However, the other day I waddled out of the pool into the men's locker room and bent over to take off my swim trunks. As I did, from nowhere a half of cup of water splashed on the floor at my feet. I froze in terror. I had no idea where all this water suddenly came from. I knew it was impossible, but for a second I thought I might be pregnant and my water had just broke. Where did all this water come from?! After a few moments of unrequisite terror and alarm it dawned on me... my belly button. I'd just been carried a child's sippy-cup full of water from the pool to the locker room without spilling it...until I bent over. Suddenly I was very glad no one was around. Now I'm starting to wonder what else I can store in there....

One Size

One size fits all? My fat butt! They don't even make baseball caps that fit me.

Fat guy sex

What's the best part about sex with a fat guy? You can write it off as a charitable donation. Anyone want to get started on their tax write-offs early?

Salad vs. Hamburgers

Skinny people want to blame fat people for being fat, but it's so darn easy to get there. Went to Wendy's the other day. I could get 5 juicy, fattening hamburgers off the dollar menu and a small Frosty for the same price as one salad that would leave me hungry 30 minutes later. Since when did lettuce cost so much? Sheesh.

Man boobs. Sheesh

I went to the pool the other day, walked out of the dressing room and suddenly felt lewd. My boobs were bigger than those of 90 percent of the girls there and I wasn't wearing a bikini top.

All my blubbery brothers out that might can sympathize. You're fat, you're in a hurry and you flop down on the pot just a little too fast and "BAM!" You catch one of "the twins" a'tween the seat and a flabby thigh. If at that point your brain functioned at all you'd be caught in the dilemma: "Do I keep sitting here in pain or stand up and splatter the wall like a monster truck in a mud-bogging competition?" There's never enough wet wipes.

A "jolly, old fat guy." Yeah, someone was smoking some sh*t when they dreamed that up.

One of the worst parts about being fat and traveling (besides the tiny airplane bathrooms) is packing. My ex-wife was tiny. She could fill her carry-on with enough clothes for a 3 month safari. My luggage looks like Tom Hank's raft in Joe Vs. the Volcano and that's just three pair of underwear and some socks.

Thought for the Day:

You know you've got an eating disorder when you're 400 pounds and marry a woman whose name is Jelly. True story.