The Outrageously Oversized Life

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

You know you've got an eating disorder when you're 400 pounds and marry a woman whose name is Jelly. True story.

One at a time please.: I've pretty much been fat my whole life, but luckily I don't drink or smoke. It all goes back to my mom, one tremendous cook, and let's face it, when the grub is good you eat. Add to that the fact I was raised to "clean your plate," because of all those starving children in Africa somewhere and my mother's penchant for showing her love through goodies like homemade S'mores and snack cakes, it all makes for a weight problem. Heck, my only girlfriend until I was 16 was Little Debbie. I ate the hell out of her. Stocks probably climbed every year until I turned about 23 and swore I'd never suckle at her icing-coated teet again... I still relapse every now and again. Life being "outrageously oversized," as an acquaintance once called me, ain't easy. Chairs are too small, clothes that fit are too rare and society is too un-understanding. It's easier to be addicted to crack in the eyes of society, look at Charlie Sheen. You can get a pass for a puff, but a creme puff, forget it. Life in the plus-size department ain't no piece of cake...mmmm cake.

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