You're fat

Checklist to funny moment

1. Office Christmas Party (at a newspaper). Check.
2. Me. Check.
3. Someone's 4-year-old with no filter between brain and mouth. Check

Outcome:
I walk into the party.
Four-year-old: "You're fat."
Me: "Wow. Thanks for the news flash kid. You should look into a career in journalism."
Four-year-old: "Huh?"
Me: "Maybe TV news for you."

Dating sites

You'd think dating websites would be havens for fat people. They aren't. Oh, don't get me wrong, the fat, ugly and generally unattractive flock to dating websites, they are to the unwanted and undateable what the lottery is to the poor and ignorant, a small glimmer of hope in an otherwise harsh reality. By haven I mean you'd think fat people could cruise websites without fear of persecution, but it just ain't so. There are those occasional attractive people who join dating websites looking for ... well I hesitate to call it love because you can tell they are too self-centered to care about anyone else or they probably wouldn't be single — they're attractive ... someone that meets their overly high, impossible to achieve standards. So what does a fat boy like me do on a dating website? Window shop.
I can only assume it is like walking Rodeo Drive in Hollywood, looking in the windows at all the designer things one can't afford, but wishes they could have, because said things would mean your life was in a better place and you believe having said things will make you happy.
That being said I've about given up on the whole dating scene and simply cruise the websites looking at photos of pretty girls, imagining they aren't as two-dimensional as they probably are in real life.
So what does this have to do with such sites not being a haven, well it gets dicey when you start looking at profiles of attractive people. Most sites will let said users see who has viewed them and when someone like me views the profile of an attractive person, they take it as an insult. I'm sure beautiful women are hounded almost every minute on such sites by less-than-desirable men with cheesy one-liners and the all-to-common; "Damn baby, ur hot!"
In that sense I can forgive them being upset that I'd dare to dream and look at their profile, but it gets interesting when they get so upset they take it upon themselves to send you a message calling you out on your faux pas. Case in point, I recently looked at the profile of a dainty little Texas beauty who the next day sent me the following: "You don't need a girlfriend, you need a treadmill."
Touche salesman. Touche. A guy can't even dream anymore without getting in trouble.
All I can figure is it must be more trouble than it is worth to be good-looking, and apparently it comes with a genetic defect ... The better looking you are, the less modesty you have. I'm all kinds of modest apparently.

Ha

So a fat guy walks into a gym. STOP LAUGHING!

From proposition to depression

Bear with me on this story, it takes a little telling. So, I used to work for a different employer in a different city and had this one co-worker, "We'll  call her Stoner Betty." Betty was not an example of a stellar employee and she had a drug problem, both legal and illegal. Her activities kept her in constant financial straits and she was always looking for ways to make money. Finally it must have gotten pretty bad because one day she approached me at work and said, "I'll have sex with you, let you do anything you want, for $250." Well Betty wasn't the kind of gal even a guy running in a 2-year dry spell would really consider, so I said, "I'll think about it." The more I did the more it seemed very inappropriate and bothered me, so the next day I went to my supervisor. Now to set this up, my boss made at least twice what I was making, he was tall, dark and, I'm no judge of men, but I'd say handsome, the kind of looks about 90 percent of women would like...heck maybe all women. So I went to him and explain what had happened, his response was;
"Really, you too?"
Me TOO!? What?!
"Yeah, she made me the same offer the other day for $50. Were you offended when she asked you?"
 No, but I am now!!!!

I went from being slightly disconcerted to completely disheartened. I'm glad we had to let her go.

A wee bit awkward

Talk about an embarrassing moment. As I'm sure I've said on here before, it's been 8 years since I "got any nookie." Today I was at the doctor's office for this pesky chest pain, which may or may not be heart attack related, and they decide to do a bunch of scans on me, including an electro-cardiogram of my legs to check for blood clots. Well part of the scan has the lady running that device up the inside of my legs to check my major arteries. Well it was a little difficult to keep my mind on baseball and my grandma and I suffered a kind of stiffening only men get ... so when the technician's arm bumped into said stiffness, there was an awkward moment there where we both tried to pretend it didn't happen, but it did ... and it's been so long I'm still not convinced I didn't just get laid.

Ugly baby

These days I'm fat and ugly, but I was pretty skinny when I was little. So all I had to contend with was being ugly. How ugly was I?

I was so ugly, every time I played in the sandbox, the cat tried to cover me up.

I was so ugly, my mom got morning sickness after I was born.

I was so ugly, the only time I was allowed to take my mask off was Halloween.

I was so ugly, my parents sent me to answer the door every time the Jehovah's witnesses showed up.

I was so ugly, the day I was born the doctors came out and told my father, "We're sorry. We tried everything we could think of, but he pulled through."

I was so ugly, I was born backwards and no one noticed.

I was so ugly, the only dog that didn't run off the day they brought me home was the old, blind dog.

I was mean too as a child.

How mean was I?

I was so mean, they kept me in a box and fed me with a slingshot.

Football

I really hated football in high school. I never wanted to play and now, 15 years later my shoulders still hurt me all the time (dislocated them both playing). It is BS the line they feed you about pain being temporary and glory forever. It is actually the other way around. What really sucked is the coaches were falling all over themselves to get me to play. One blackmailed me by giving me bad grades and told my parents my grades would likely improve if I "participated in some extra-curricular activities like football." So you'd think when I broke down and agreed to play they'd have gone all out for me. No. It was only after I refused to play in pads that were 4 sizes too small that they went and found a used set at a college campus and then my uniform was hand-made by my mom who took apart several pairs of football pants and sewed in extra strips to make a pair big enough for me. Same for the jersey. She hand-made my basketball jerseys from scratch. Of course they didn't want me playing basketball, because I wasn't any good so eventually I quit it.